


Kissing You Goodbye

by Maiihemm



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Longing, Rating May Change, Redeemed Ben Solo, Rey Needs A Hug, Reylo - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-15
Updated: 2020-07-08
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:55:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23657959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maiihemm/pseuds/Maiihemm
Summary: “I always knew you wouldn’t let her die. She was the only one that could see the light in you and that light was the only thing that would save the galaxy in the end. Ben. I know you are furious with me. I know you hold so much resentment and anger towards me. I deserve that. We all failed you. Everyone but her.”“And because of your failures she’s alone again. I cant- I can’t even talk to her. I told her she would never be alone and now she is. Luke she’s alone. You’ve been in her mind enough to know just how much damage..”His voice came out barely above a whisper as he wrapped his arms around his torso. Saying the words out loud made it so much worse.“I miss her. I miss feeling her. Even though I had convinced myself I wanted her dead or turned to the darkness with me, I found comfort being able to feel her in the galaxy. She shut down the bond after Crait but I could still feel her. Now..”“Now I’m going to teach you how to talk to her.”
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 19
Kudos: 42





	1. This Love, This Hate

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lady_Vader_76 (TricksterxArchangel)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TricksterxArchangel/gifts).



> Cut yourself in conversation  
> Cut the line to make me feel alive  
> 'Cause you know I'm not alive
> 
> And leave me with your complications  
> Take your life, you feel like taking mine  
> Meeting god we stand in line, not alone
> 
> Nowhere to go, I'm not leaving  
> Not going, I'm not kissing you goodbye  
> On my own, I'm nothing  
> Just bleeding, I'm not kissing you goodbye
> 
> Trust you'll take the right to leave me  
> Waiting under dark clouds for the rain  
> Praying lightning strikes a change  
> As history gets lost and  
> As I took that final breath I felt alive  
> Meeting god to stand in line, all alone
> 
> Nowhere to go, I'm not leaving  
> Not going, I'm not kissing you goodbye  
> On my own, I'm nothing  
> Just bleeding, I'm not kissing you goodbye
> 
> Don't let me go, don't say good bye  
> 'Cause you know that I'm not alive  
> Don't let me go, don't say good bye  
> Don't let this love die  
> Don't let me go, don't say good bye  
> (Cut yourself in conversation  
> Cut the line to make me feel alive)  
> 'Cause you know that I'm not alive  
> Don't let me go, don't say good bye  
> (And leave me with your complications  
> Take your life, you feel like taking mine)  
> Don't let this love die
> 
> Nowhere to go, I'm not leaving  
> Not going, I'm not kissing you goodbye  
> On my own, I'm nothing  
> Just bleeding, I'm not kissing you goodbye
> 
> I'm not kissing you goodbye
> 
> -Kissing You Goodbye-  
> -The Used-

Ben knew what he had to do. He knew saving Rey meant his own demise. It didn’t matter though. Not to him. He had no purpose anymore. He had let go of Kylo Ren and the Dark Side which meant he really had no direction. He had spent his entire life focusing on his destiny and what the galaxy needed from him. There were always voices whispering in his ear telling him what to do and where to go. None of it mattered anymore. There was nothing else in the galaxy worth following.

Except her.

Rey had always been a bright spot in an otherwise dark life. He had dreamt of her long before he knew she was real. Snoke had told him over and over that he bridged their minds, but it wasn’t true. They were made for each other. They were made to always be together.

That part hurt. They had spent so much time chasing and hating each other but in the end, they couldn’t be complete without each other. He felt her absence just as much as he knew she felt his. Their bond would vibrate and start to connect but it wasn’t like before. He no longer could feel her or know exactly what she was feeling. He could see her though.

Her beautiful face was at the same time everything to him but never enough.

He wasn’t sure it could ever be enough. Not after she had kissed him. It had shocked him to his very core and almost made him regret the fact that he was dying. He knew her friends would never forgive him like she did. He knew he would likely die for his crimes. The crimes of Kylo Ren.

He could have lived within her arms.

He _wished_ he had lived within her arms. So many times they could have just thrown aside their differences. He knew most of that was his fault. His pride had robbed him of what he was lucky enough to feel for just a few moments.

Love.

He had assumed she didn’t want him. He was a monster. She was beauty incarnate. Why would she ever want him? His face wasn’t classically handsome like Dameron or Finn. He was far too pale, especially in comparison to her sun kissed skin. The Darkness had corrupted the way he looked which was incredibly disheartening especially since he found her to be the most beautiful being in the galaxy.

_I did want to take your hand. Bens hand._

Those words had destroyed him. It wasn’t that she didn’t want _him._ She just wanted him to let go of the darkness. He wasn’t sure he ever fully could, but the fact that he was existing in the World Between Worlds showed him he had done enough good in his life to make it there. Even his grandfather had been absolved of his sins, so perhaps he was worthy after all.

He missed her though. He missed her so much it hurt, nothing that much was supposed to hurt in that realm. All he could do was watch her though. He watched her live a life that he never could; one that he was proud to have given her. He would do anything for her.

Anything.

* * *

He had been met by Luke and his mother as soon as he faded from Rey. His mother beamed up at him and immediately pulled him into a hug. He dropped to his knees and held onto her like everything depended on it. He felt like the small child he used to be clinging to his mothers waist.

“Oh, Ben. My son, how I have missed you.”

“Mom I-“

His voice cracked as he held back a sob. He chastised himself that even from the beyond he was an emotional mess. He finally peeked up at her and saw that she had been crying as well.

“Shh, Ben. It’s okay.”

“How is it that we can even cry here. We’re not even-“

“There is a lot that doesn’t make sense here.”

Ben nestled into Leia as she tightened her arms around him. Ben cried into her as she just held him. He wanted to tell her how sorry he was and how much he regretted everything. He was so angry with her but the moment he felt her existence fade away he realized how much knowing she was in the galaxy somewhere gave him comfort. He needed her to know that he never stopped loving her or his father. He couldn’t find the words but somehow, she just _knew_.

“It’s okay Ben. None of that matters now. You were so lost, my son, but in the end, you did what was right. I always knew you would come back to me.”

“We all did, kid.”

Ben nestled back into Leia more, not ready to full face his uncle yet. Leia felt his body stiffen at Lukes voice and she frown at her brother.

“Perhaps it’s not the time for you to be here, Luke.”

“No. I won’t run. Not anymore.”

Ben looked over at his uncle and pulled himself back to his feet. He looked down at the man in front of him and felt every emotion in the book. Luke looked at him knowingly and nodded.

“I know, kid. We both have some stuff we need to make up for.”

“You tried to kill me.”

“The very thing I was afraid of, I created.”

“I- I trusted you. Not that I ever wanted to go to you, but I trusted you. I won’t blame you for all of my actions. I know what I’ve done.”

“Yeah, you sure made a mess of things. You fulfilled your destiny though. Your _true_ destiny.”

Ben scowled at the grey-haired man in front of him.

“What do you mean?”

“You were always meant to save her. You were the only thing in the galaxy that could keep her from the dark side.”

“What do you mean.. you.. you knew. You knew she was a Palpatine! You KNEW he was going after her and you said NOTHING!”  
“Ben-“

“No! You failed her just like you failed me!”

“It wasn’t my place to tell her, Ben. She needed to find out on her own. She needed to do this _alone_. The only person who could possibly help her and guide her was you, but she needed to take down her grandfather on her own.”

“She died because of it!”

“And yet, she’s still alive.”

“So, you just hoped that I would sacrifice myself to save her? What if I never came back from the dark!? She would be DEAD, and the galaxy would be worse for it! Without her to balance me I would have torn the entire galaxy apart and I had the army to do so!”

Luke shook his head and gave Ben a sad smile.

“I always knew you wouldn’t let her die. She was the only one that could see the light in you and that light was the only thing that would save the galaxy in the end. Ben. I know you are furious with me. I know you hold so much resentment and anger towards me. I deserve that. We all failed you. Everyone but her.”

“And because of your failures she’s alone again. I cant- I can’t even talk to her. I told her she would never be alone and now she is. Luke she’s _alone_. You’ve been in her mind enough to know just how much damage..”

His voice came out barely above a whisper as he wrapped his arms around his torso. Saying the words out loud made it so much worse.

“I miss her. I miss feeling her. Even though I had convinced myself I wanted her dead or turned to the darkness with me, I found comfort being able to feel her in the galaxy. She shut down the bond after Crait but I could still _feel_ her. Now..”

“Now I’m going to teach you how to talk to her.”

“What? Why?”

“I think I owe you at least this much.”

“It doesn’t mean I trust you.”

“It’s not about me right now. This is about Rey and she needs you.”

* * *

Ben had listened to Luke intently. He was impatient with his teachings and wanted to just know how to do it. His entire motivation in life revolved around Rey and it didn’t change in death. Time seemed to pass different in the World Between Worlds, but it still wasn’t fast enough for him.

He watched her cry on Exolgul. She had helped him fall to the ground and held his hand as he faded away. Once he was gone, she pulled his sweater into her hands and cried into it. She begged him to be with her just like the Jedi of old had been. She pleaded the force to bring him back to her.

_Please don’t make me be alone again. Please. I don’t know how to do all of this without you. You were supposed to be here.. You promised.._

He felt his heart shatter watching her but there was nothing he could do but try.

He would do anything for her.

He watched her fly away in his uncle’s ship. He smiled at her putting the clunky helmet on and going back to her friends. They all were celebrating, which stung a little. Even though he had left all of it behind their success meant his failure.

There was that pride again.

She went to Finn and Dameron and cried in their arms. While everyone celebrated around them, they were the only ones who seemed to be mourning. He hadn’t noticed it, but the former storm trooper could sense the force. It comforted Ben knowing that Rey wasn’t the only one around there feeling the force. At least she had someone who understood what she was going through.

As much as it hurt, Ben couldn’t stop watching her. He wanted to protect her and to know she would be okay. He wouldn’t be able to rest until he knew she was safe. He needed to know she was okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is inspired by shit posting between myself and @Lady_Vader_76 one night. I am dedicating this to her and her amazing inspiration that she has been. I am so lucky to have met her. <3
> 
> Every chapter will be named after a song that inspired me or that I feel like matches how our favorite angsty couple is feeling.
> 
> In a time of need only few can see what's wrong  
> Millions tend to crawl but only those who choose can make it through this all,  
> Only few can sing like lions 'cause we sing until we're gone  
> And we've got each others backs until we're back where we belong,  
> A woman held my shield and through the battle we did wrong,  
> A man who taught me wisdom through the static we recall,  
> And maybe when we' re gone our names will echo through the stars,  
> Every start's got it's ending even when we've learned to rise above it all,
> 
> These lies are leading me astray its too much for me to stay  
> I don't wanna live this destiny it goes on endlessly
> 
> I see you so please stay strong  
> I'll sing you one last song and then I'm gone  
> I don't wanna live this destiny it goes on endlessly
> 
> And we once also had a story too  
> You can see that good men only come in few.  
> Even in our greatest moments we may win or we may lose  
> Every song's got its rules, you've got to learn to make it through.  
> Maybe one day we can choose how it feels to be a woman or a man  
> Without rules but buried underneath there's a picture glued.  
> So when my body burns in ashes only sing the truth  
> Let these words strengthen all your views  
> Because these words were meant for you
> 
> These lies are leading me astray its too much for me to stay  
> I don't wanna live this destiny it goes on endlessly
> 
> An' now I'm floatin' right above my coffin as it closes I look down  
> I see sigh as she's crying on my mamma's shoulder.  
> I look up into the sky as the gates to heaven open something's wrong  
> Is this destiny or am I goin' home,  
> What will happen to my soul will I come back I don't know,  
> Will you meet me when its over let me know,  
> You can meet me here in heaven don't you ever let me go
> 
> This love this hate is burning me away
> 
> These lies are leading me astray its too much for me to stay  
> I don't wanna live this destiny it goes on endlessly
> 
> This love, this hate is burning me away
> 
> -This Love, This Hate-  
> -Hollywood Undead-


	2. Little Do You Know/I'll Wait

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little do you know  
> How I'm breaking while you fall asleep  
> Little do you know  
> I'm still haunted by the memories  
> Little do you know  
> I'm tryna pick myself up piece by piece
> 
> Little do you know  
> I need a little more time
> 
> Underneath it all I'm held captive by the hole inside  
> I've been holding back for the fear that you might change your mind  
> I'm ready to forgive you but forgetting is a harder fight
> 
> Little do you know  
> I need a little more time
> 
> I'll wait, I'll wait  
> I love you like you've never felt the pain  
> I'll wait  
> I promise you don't have to be afraid  
> I'll wait  
> The love is here and here to stay  
> So lay your head on me
> 
> Little do you know  
> I know you're hurting while I'm sound asleep  
> Little do you know  
> All my mistakes are slowly drowning me  
> Little do you know  
> I'm trying to make it better piece by piece
> 
> Little do you know  
> I, I love you 'til the sun dies
> 
> Oh wait, just wait  
> I love you like I've never felt the pain  
> Just wait  
> I love you like I've never been afraid  
> Just wait  
> Our love is here and here to stay  
> So lay your head on me
> 
> I'll wait (I'll wait), I'll wait (I'll wait)  
> I love you like you've never felt the pain  
> I'll wait (I'll wait)  
> I promise you/I don't have to be afraid  
> I'll wait  
> The love is here and here to stay  
> So lay your head on me  
> Lay your head on me  
> So lay your head on me
> 
> 'Cause little do you know  
> I, I love you 'til the sun dies

Rey and Finn walked into the woods as the celebration carried on. Rey wanted to be happy, but her heart was so heavy. Finn had noticed and asked her to get away from everything for a while. She happily accepted and they found a fallen tree to sit on.

“So, what really happened?”

“What do you mean?”

“I felt you die, Rey. Your force signature, it just disappeared.”

She let out a shaky laugh and played with her arm wraps.

“I still don’t know how I missed you being force sensitive.”

“I’ll chalk it up to trying to save the galaxy since we met.”

She gave him a weak smile and nodded.

“Ben he- he came all the way to Exogul to help me. He raced across the galaxy even though I took his ship. I left him behind after driving a saber through his abdomen.”

“He’s always been pretty persistent.”

She laughed again as tears started to well in her eyes.

“Palpatine tried to convince me to strike him down so I could take over as Empress. He said it was my destiny to carry on the Sith.”

“That must have been terrifying, Peanut.”

“Oh, it was. But then he was there, Finn. I felt him land and then he just ran to me. He ran as fast as he could, and he faced down his own Knights. Palpatine had corrupted them and turned them, but Ben struck them down. I could feel it.. all that mattered was getting to me. Even after all I had done to him, he just wanted to help me.”

Finn took her hand and squeezed it, encouraging her to carry on.

“I passed him one of the sabers through our force bond. When he looked at me through it.. he just.. he had so much life in him for once. There was so much light looking back at me. He took everyone down and then came to me. We stood _together_ against the Emperor. We were finally on the same side.”

Rey nodded and quickly wiped at her face.

“The Emperor figured out that we are.. were.. a Dyad in the Force. He started draining our power to heal himself. He succeeded and we both were left to die on the ground. And then.. and then he stood up and faced him. All by himself. He faced the literal demon that had been hurting him his entire life. He stood up for everything that was good. He stood up for _me_.”

A sob escaped her lips and she leaned into Finn when he put his arm around her. After a few moments she was able to compose herself and sat back up, turning to face Finn.

“I know that no one else in the galaxy wants to forgive him. But I saw the very best in him. I always knew it was in him. I saw it from the beginning. When no one else would believe in him, I did. And he died to save me.”

“Palpatine struck him down?”

“No. No he force tossed him backwards and down a pit. I thought he was dead. I thought he was gone. That’s when the Jedi all called to me and helped me. I took Palpatine down all by myself. I didn’t need anyone or anything but..”

“You didn’t survive.”

She shook her head and sighed.

“I knew I would probably die. It was worth it though. I needed all of you to be alive. I needed everyone to make it and the galaxy to be safe. If that meant that I died, then so be it.”

“So, what happened then?”

“He climbed his way out of that pit. He crawled to me and he.. he transferred his life essence into me.”

“Woah, like you did with that giant worm thing?”

“Exactly like that. But it was too much. So when I came back we just had a few moments together before.. He died in my arms, Finn.”

“Did he say anything?”

“No. I just.. well.. I kissed him.”

“YOU KISSED HIM!”

Rey slapped her hand over his mouth and looked back at the Resistance celebrating behind them. She shushed him and removed her hand.

“Yes. I kissed him. I know you don’t understand it but we..”

“Have a connection. Right. I mean, I don’t get it but okay. So, like your kiss killed him?”

“No! Jesus, Finn!”

“Alright alright. Finish your story.”

“Well, I kissed him and he just.. he _smiled_ at me.”

“He smiled?”

“Yeah.”

Rey smiled remembering how beautiful his face looked when he finally let all the pain go. His eyes had sparkled like never before and he actually looked happy.

“He smiled at me then he just.. faded away.”

“He saved you. I mean.. I felt you die. You just disappeared and then suddenly you were back. Ben Solo saved you. Never thought I would want to thank the guy for anything.”

“He was good, Finn. Deep down. He was a good man. And for what it was worth, I loved him.”

“Love? You barely knew him.”

“We are- We _were_ a Dyad. I knew him better than anyone else. I knew the _real_ him.”

“What would you have done? They never would have forgiven him for what he did. So what? Run away to a random sand planet and lived forever with him?”

Rey thought to herself and let her shoulders slump. She hadn’t thought that far ahead before he slipped from her grasp.

“Yeah. I think I would have.”

* * *

Ben spent most of his time staring at Rey. Okay staring was a strong word. He watched her. Ben knew that if it had been reality, he would have been incredibly creepy, but he couldn’t get enough of her. She was so strong and beautiful. It had been so long that he had wanted her and then once he figured out that she wanted him back, he couldn’t stay away from her.

He tried to connect with her whenever she was alone and not near The Resistance. He figured it would be wrong to show up in the middle of a crowd and have her lose it. She had a tendency to ignite her saber whenever she saw him and part of him was still afraid her fiery spirit would come out. The last thing she needed was for everyone to think she was insane for losing her cool.

He watched her leave them all behind and fly to Tattooine. He was starting to get better with his connection to the living world so to him it felt like he was on the ship with her. It was steady and he wasn’t able to manifest yet, but he felt that much closer to her.

Once she got away from everyone, the smile fell from her face. She held onto Leia and Lukes sabers while the ship was on auto pilot. He wanted to reach out and just touch her hand. For the first time she looked truly upset. Ben sighed in frustration and ran his fingers through his hair. He needed to figure out a way to connect with her.

“Oh Ben, how I wish you were here. I don’t think I ever understood the possibility that you could be gone.”

He froze and watched her. It was the first time she had spoken out loud to him since Exogul. She quickly wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and set the sabers down, essentially in his lap if he were a solid being. He looked at them and frown.

_“I wish I was there too, Rey.”_

He got up and followed her into his old room. He wondered if she knew it was his or if he had just chosen it. She sat on the bed and pulled out a black lump from under the pillow.

“Maybe it’s just the scavenger in me, but I can’t let this go. It was the first time I ever saw you without your First Order garbage on.”

_“Well, you’ve seen me shirtless too.”_

“I just hold this sweater and wish you were still in it. I know you dissaperared just like Luke and Leia did. I guess it was a Jedi thing.”

Ben scowled at her and shook his head. No matter light or dark he was _not_ a Jedi.

“I just wish I knew if you could hear me or not. I.. I can’t feel you anymore. I didn’t feel Luke either though when he stopped me from throwing the lightsaber into the fire. I hid where he did. At least I tried to. He convinced me I needed to go forward.”

_“Yeah because the asshole knew that you needed to but was too pigheaded to tell you.”_

“I think it’s easier to just pretend and hope that you can hear me. The alternative is just.. I can’t think that I’m alone again. I can’t think that you are gone or that.. well.. maybe you just don’t want me.”

_“That I don’t.. of all the stupid shit you have said Rey. I gave my life for you and you’re still questioning if I want you. You are going to be the death of me.”_

Ben burst into laughter at his own words. She _was_ the death of him. At the same time he laughed her laughter rang out too. He stopped and looked at her.

“I bet that sounds silly. You gave your life for me. Me. A scavenger nobody from Jakku.”

_“You were never nobody, even when the galaxy thought you were.”_

“I thought about the whole.. Palpatine thing. I know that’s who I am but.. I just don’t feel like it. He was so evil. He killed my parents just to get my power. He made me think I was so alone.”

_“That was his go-to. He loved making us all feel alone. Gods I wish I could tell you that you aren’t alone.”_

Rey buried her face into the sweater and hugged it close to her. Ben watched her as she cried and wanted to kill Palpatine all over again. He felt so much guilt that she had been alone for so long. If he had just listened to the Dyad sooner she would have.. No. No he couldn’t think that way. Everything happened the way it was meant to. She was made for this.

“Ben.”

She cried his name into the sweater and Ben dropped to his knees in front of her.

“I know this was my destiny but why would the force make us a Dyad?”

His heart shattered as the words trembled from her lips. She was hurting because of him and now she didn’t want it. She didn’t want that weight or that pain. She-

“Why would the force make us a Dyad then rip you away from me? It’s not fair. It’s just not fucking fair. You were made for me and I couldn’t even have that.”

_“Oh, my beautiful little scavenger. I will get back to you. I promise you that I will get back to you. I know you can’t hear me but just hold on. I need you to hold on. Don’t let go. You are everything to me and I should have told you sooner. Nothing in the galaxy matters without you and I will tear the fabric of time and space apart just to make you feel whole again.”_

He knelt in front of her as she curled up into a ball. Watching her fall asleep crying and alone was something that he never wanted to see again, but even if she couldn’t feel him, he couldn’t let her be alone. He would never let her be alone.


	3. The Silence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Found one of your old mixtapes  
> Remember listening to grace, I do  
> But we were driving to DC  
> I was drunk in your backseat, I know
> 
> Nothing will ever be  
> Like when were seventeen  
> The stars will rearrange  
> The sun will fade away  
> Everyone will change  
> But we will still remain  
> And outlast the pyramids
> 
> I will feel you  
> I will see you  
> I will hear you  
> After the silence
> 
> Remember all the Philly nights  
> Driving down I-95  
> Singing in a smokey room  
> When we had everything to lose, I do  
> And when we got some room to breathe  
> You said that you would marry me  
> But even if we never do  
> I will always be with you  
> I know
> 
> That nothing will ever be  
> Like when we were twenty-three  
> Man's war will rage  
> And blue will turn to gray  
> Everything will change  
> But we will still remain  
> And outlast the pyramids
> 
> I will feel you  
> I will see you  
> I will hear you  
> After the silence  
> Silence
> 
> The oceans can burn for all I care  
> And in the ashes I'll meet you there  
> I know someday the moon will blow away  
> And all flesh will decay  
> Everything will change  
> But we will still remain and outlast the pyramids
> 
> I will feel you  
> I will see you  
> I will hear you  
> And I will keep you...  
> After the silence  
> After the silence  
> After the silence  
> Silence, silence
> 
> -The Silence-  
> -Halestorm-

“Do you even know what the HELL you are doing, old man!?”

“Of course, I do kid, you just aren’t listening.”

“Not list- Maybe you just don’t know how to teach!”

“How did someone with such a damn temper ever make it to the World Between Worlds?”

“How did someone so obstinate and self-absorbed ever make it past the age of five?!”

“Oh, so I see you can still learn new vocabulary when you’re ripping the galaxy apart like a child.”

“You’re lucky I don’t rip you apart, you old crusty failure of a Jedi.”

“This “failure” is trying to teach you how to talk to your girlfriend.”

“Girl-“

Ben was sure that his face flushed. How was it that even a mention of Rey would make him flush when he was for all intents and purposes dead?

“You promised you would help but all you’re good at is insulting me to try to feel important. How the hell you turned into a self-righteous hermit is beyond me.”

“Oh, so that’s where you learned it from. Sorry.”

“I SWEAR ON EVERYTHING LUKE I WILL-“

“That’s enough!”

The two men turned their heads to see Leia standing there with her hands on her hips.

“You both aren’t even alive anymore and you can’t stop arguing! That is absolutely enough. Luke, go.”

Luke disappeared from in front of Ben and he huffed. He clenched his hands trying to calm his temper.

“You know, they always talked about you doing that.”

“Doing what.”

“Clenching your hands. Everyone thought you did it to intimidate.”

“I don’t need to do anything to intimidate anyone. I’m built like a damn tree.”

Leia laughed and it forced Bens anger to fade slightly. She took his hand in hers and ran her thumbs across the top of it.

“You started that as a child. Whenever you would get frustrated or angry you would make fists.”

Ben paused by looked at Leia for a moment before looking back at his hand.

“I barely remember being a child.”

“I know, sweetheart. I remember it all though. There isn’t a moment in time that I don’t think about everything.”

“Mom I-“

“Don’t you dare say that you are sorry. I never should have sent you away.”

“I just feel like..”

“We will have forever to make up, Ben. Right now, Rey needs you. That also means that you need to work with Luke.”

“Mom, he is IMPOSSIBLE to work with.”

“Don’t I know it. From what I’ve heard, he’s much more like our mother was.”

“I feel bad for whoever had to deal with her then.”

Ben mumbled but shot Leia a sideways smirk. She laughed and squeezed his hand.

“You need to go focus, Ben. Rey needs you. And from what I can see, you need her too.”

* * *

Rey woke up but the pain hit her immediately. She kept hoping that sleeping would help and feeling rejuvenated would be what she needed. The relief never came through. She held the sweater to her chest again breathing in the fading scent.

“Stars I miss you.”

She imagined that he would smile at her. Even though she only saw his smile once, she knew it would never leave her memory. She tucked the sweater back under her blanket and stood, wanting to check the navigation when she felt something strange. She dropped to her knees and pulled a piece of the paneling away.

“What in the world?”

She picked up a box and pulled it into her lap. There was an etching in the wooden top that looked like it had been carved in with a knife.

_Ben Solo_

Rey felt tears well in her eyes as she gently ran her fingers across the etching. She had no idea that the room had been his, but it made sense that would be where she was drawn. She had been sleeping in his bed. Hell, she had been near this ship most of her life and had no idea. She gently wiped off the dust from the box and opened it.

On the top there were multiple drawings. A small boy with raven hair smiling up at what must have been Chewie. A much younger Han and Leia holding the same small raven-haired boy. A list of names starting with Anakin Skywalker and ending with Ben Solo; a family tree.

“Stars Ben.”

She set the papers aside and found a small holo. She hesitated but picked it up and turned it on.

_“Mama! Mama watch!”_

_“I’m watching, sweetheart!”_

_A young Leia watched something in the distance smiling as a young Han walked up behind her and put his hands on her shoulders, kissing the top of her head._

_“He finally figured it out, huh?”_

_“Isn’t he wonderful?”_

_“I mean I really don’t understand this force stuff, princess, but I guess so.”_

_Leia scowled back at Han but then smiled. They looked at each other with so much love. A small boy came up and jumped into Leia’s arms. They hugged him between them as he giggled._

Rey shut it down and clutched at her chest. He had been so young. So innocent. She hated how he had been so hurt.

Hurt by her own family.

She set the holo down and noticed a small crystal at the bottom of the box.

“How did I not feel this?”

She picked it up and smiled at it. It was a kyber crystal. It was the first one she had seen other than the broken one after the throne room. She could feel the power coming from it as she held it in her hand.

“Ben, why did you have a spare crystal just hanging around?”

She chewed on her lip and considered it. She had been looking for a crystal so she could make her own saber. Part of her felt bad even considering using his but crystals were hard to come by. And he was her literal other half. If she could justify taking anything from anyone it would be him.

“I hope you aren’t mad at me Ben, but I am totally using the crystal.”

What she didn't say out loud is she desperately hoped once it was in saber form it would make her feel closer to him. His absence, his silence, felt like a crash she needed to escape. She had never felt as good as she did in his arms and she was afraid she would be chasing that high forever.

* * *

Ben had looked away when she watched the holo. It was too much for him to see. He almost felt embarrassed that she had seen everything in the box, but when he remembered the crystal was in there he wanted to jump up and down.

She needed a saber of her own.

He followed her into the main part of the ship as she got to work. She carefully broke apart her staff and started creating her own saber. He wasn’t sure if she could feel the crystal, but it was positively singing to her.

It had sung to him too.

It wasn’t as strong as the crystal he used for his saber, but the tune was so similar. Was it possible it sang to him for this very reason? They had always been made for each other. It was possible that it knew some day she would find it through him. Luke had chastised him for trying to take two crystals, but he hid it away when he wasn’t looking. He stuck it in the box the very last time he was on the ship.

He found so much comfort in watching her. She worked so quickly and precisely. There were things he would do different, but even if he were there fully, he wouldn’t be able to say much. His red saber had been a mess and a half. So, when she used a spiral twist system to activate the crystal he smiled along with her.

“A saber unlike any other, just like you, my desert rose.”

“She is beautiful.”

Ben looked at the newcomer standing above him. He stood with his legs apart and arms crossed. He had a scar across his eye that looked eerily like the one he had before Rey healed him.

“And who the hell do you think you are?”

“A friend.”

Ben stood and looked at the man in front of him and scoffed.

“Since when did the Jedi wear dark clothes?”

“How do you know I was a Jedi?”

“You reek of pretentiousness.”

“Careful, kid. Do you just say shit and deal with the consequences later?”

“Yes.”

The man laughed and finally turned towards Ben.

“You must have gotten that from your mother.”

“And what the hell would you know of my mother?”

“Well, considering she is my daughter, quite a lot.”

* * *

“I tried for so long to reach out to you.”

“No. You tried to reach out to Vader. Like I just told you, when I died, I was no longer Lord Vader. I died as Anakin, father to Luke and Leia. There was no one there to reach out to. Not on the dark side.”

“I spent so much time trying to accomplish things in Vaders name.”

“You must have got the dumb shit from _your_ father because I know it didn’t come from me or your grandmother.”

Ben couldn’t help but smirk.

“Flying too.”

“Bullshit you did! I was the best damn pilot there was.”

“My father said the same thing.”

“Well, he was wrong.”

“Yeah mom does sound like you.”

Anakin laughed and gave Ben a genuine smile.

“You inherited that Skywalker whit, that’s for sure. I’m glad I finally got to meet you. Though I do wish that I could have saved you along with Rey.”

“What do you mean?”

“Do you remember the little voice you heard? Right after you asked for help?”

Bens memory flashed back to holding Reys lifeless body and asking the silence for help. He hadn’t realized it then but there _had_ been a little voice telling him what to do.

“That was you!?”

Anakin nodded.

“Part of the reason I turned to the dark was to save my wife. I had horrible dreams, which later I realized were from Palpatine, that she would die.”

Ben shivered. He knew all too well about the nightmares Palpatine could cause someone.

“He convinced me that I could find the key to immortality through the dark side. I was desperate to save her, so I did just that. Little did I know the way to save her was from the light.”

“You helped me save her. Why?”

Anakin sighed and shook his head.

“I couldn’t watch another part of my family lose everything. I just couldn’t do it, Ben. I caused a lot of damage when I fell. I hurt a lot of people. Then I hurt a lot of people for a long time after that, your mom and uncle included. Hell, I even tortured your father. Froze him in some carbonite.”

With that Ben laughed out loudly.

“I’m trying to be serious here, kid.”

“I’m sorry, I just- Dad used to blame Mom for being frozen in carbonite and now I understand why.”

“That man had a mouth on him. But anyway, I couldn’t let you lose her. Not like I lost Padme. Not like your mother lost Han. I was done letting Palpatine win.”

“I’m not sure I should thank you for being dead, but if it means that Rey gets to live.. thank you.”

“I should be the one thanking you. For fixing all of it. My fall was the catalyst to all of this. If I hadn’t fallen, I could have taken out Palpatine long before he could hurt anyone. I feel a lot of guilt for this. I failed so many people.”

“You didn’t fail the woman that I love though. For that I am thankful.”

Anakin gave him a sad smile and nodded.

“You aren’t going to learn how to connect to her from Luke.”

“I don’t think anyone can learn anything from that crotchety old-“

“Hey, he’s still my kid.”

Ben sighed and rolled his eyes.

“Right.”

“I can teach you, if you want.”

“You can?”

Anakin nodded and crossed his arms again.

“It’s going to take some work but Exogul will not be the last time you get to talk to her.”


	4. Don't Give Up On Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will fight  
> I will fight for you  
> I always do until my heart  
> Is black and blue
> 
> And I will stay  
> I will stay with you  
> We'll make it to the other side  
> Like lovers do
> 
> I'll reach my hands out in the dark  
> And wait for yours to interlock  
> I'll wait for you  
> I'll wait for you
> 
> 'Cause I'm not givin' up  
> I'm not givin' up, givin' up  
> No not yet  
> Even when I'm down to my last breath  
> Even when they say there's nothin' left  
> So don't give up on...
> 
> I'm not givin' up  
> I'm not givin' up, givin' up  
> No not me  
> Even when nobody else believes  
> I'm not goin' down that easily  
> So don't give up on me
> 
> And I will hold  
> I'll hold onto you  
> No matter what this world'll throw  
> It won't shake me loose
> 
> I'll reach my hands out in the dark  
> And wait for yours to interlock  
> I'll wait for you  
> I'll wait for you
> 
> 'Cause I'm not givin' up  
> I'm not givin' up, givin' up  
> No not yet  
> Even when I'm down to my last breath  
> Even when they say there's nothin' left  
> So don't give up on...
> 
> I'm not givin' up  
> I'm not givin' up, givin' up  
> No not me  
> Even when nobody else believes  
> I'm not goin' down that easily  
> So don't give up on me
> 
> Whoa, whoa  
> Whoa, whoa  
> Yeah yeah yeah yeah  
> Yeah yeah yeah
> 
> I will fight  
> I will fight for you  
> I always do until my heart  
> Is black and blue
> 
> -I'll Wait For You-  
> -Andy Grammer-

For the first time in his life, Ben was able to focus. There was something about Anakin that allowed him to feel safe enough to fully listen and let go. The only other person he had ever felt safe around was Rey.

He watched her with so much focus, but it was hard. She landed his father’s piece of junk ship and walked out with the small droid. Funny how years prior he was hunting both of them with the intent to tear them apart. He noticed they were on Tatooine and frown.

“You’re losing focus, kid.”

“Sorry.”

Ben tried to focus again but when she smiled and slid down the sand hill on a piece of metal his face broke out into a full grin. He had seen her memories of living alone on Jakku but she never seemed to be enjoying herself like that.

“The deserts are a rough place to grow up on.”

Ben glanced at his grandfather and gave him an apologetic smile. Anakin smiled down at him and tilted his nose towards Rey, inviting Ben to focus again. Ben turned to look at her and watched as she walked around his uncles’ old home.

Rey wandered around looking at her surroundings seeming lost in her mind. Ben desperately wanted to read her thoughts again. Her mind was beautiful and strong. Not many other people would have been able to stay strong like she had. It was part of what he adored about her.

She put two sabers into a wrap and touched them. Bens heart clenched when he realized that they were the sabers they had fought with; Leia and Lukes. She wrapped them up carefully like they were a precious relic she worshiped. She walked up the hill and called on the force to bury them in the sand like they belonged there. He wasn’t sure why she didn’t just keep them, but he was far from sentimental especially when it came to his family. At least when it came to Luke. She lit up her own saber and his smile matched hers fully.

“Yellow.”

“It was a crystal I had taken a long time ago. Luke chastised me for taking more than I needed but-“

“It was always meant for her.”

“It shines so brightly. I always thought that she shone like the sun, now her saber matches it.”

Ben beamed at her. He felt so proud that she had come so far. It wasn’t a selfish pride that he believed she was where she was because of him. No. He knew that she had paved her own way. He had been more of a hinderance to her than a help regardless. She was the strongest person he had ever known.

His heart sank when she looked over and smiled. He turned his head and realized she was seeing Luke and Leia. He stood up and felt anger and pain start running through him. How could she be seeing them and not her? Leia had JUST come over, no sooner than he had. How was it possible?

“It’s aright kid. You just aren’t ready yet.”

“Not ready!? I have been ready for that woman my entire life, Anakin.”

“It’s not that and you know it.”

Ben clenched his hands and felt the familiar anger he felt when he went by Kylo Ren. He glared forward and watched _his_ Rey smile at the man that tried to kill him. He felt so much _pain_ and rejection all at once.

She didn’t want him. She just wanted his family. She was another wayward orphan that his mother cared about more than him. A Jedi that Luke could be proud of like he could never be proud of him. _In the end he didn’t matter._

He could feel Anakin trying to break his anger, but it wasn’t going to leave. How could he be so _stupid_. He had given his _life_ for her. All the time Snoke had told him how worthless he was swirled around in his head and he wanted to scream.

“That type of anger doesn’t belong here, Ben.”

Luke was glaring at him as Rey stood smiling in the desert.

“That anger is exactly why she always ran away from you. It’s why she didn’t join you in the throne room and it’s why she died alone.”

“Luke-“

Leia tried to stop her brother from verbally attacking Ben, but he was barely even hearing his uncle. Nothing what he was saying was any different from what Snoke had whispered in his ears his entire life. He was used to that kind of pain; he thrived off it.

“Ben-“

“Wait.”

Ben watched as a frail old woman walked towards Rey. She wasn’t even NOTICING her. The woman asked her who she was, and she answered back Rey Skywalker.

“SKYWALKER!?”

Something in Ben snapped and he started yelling at Rey even though he knew she couldn’t hear him.

“You have got to be KIDDING ME!”

He stalked in front of her knowing full well she wouldn’t feel him. She couldn’t hear or feel his anger, but it needed to come out. He couldn’t destroy anything, so he had to revert to actually speaking his frustrations.

“You, Rey, killed Darth Sidious. THE MOST DANGEROUS CREATURE IN THE ENTIRE GALAXY. ALONE. You did it all ALONE. You didn’t need anyone or anything! You didn’t need me and you sure as hell didn’t need your Resistance! Yet here you stand out in the desert letting little old women sneak up on you! Kriff! How the HELL did you survive on your own for so long!”

Ben fisted his hands in his own hair out of frustration and looked at the ground.

“I don’t even like Jedi but here you are making them look even WORSE.”

“Ben?”

He whipped his head up and looked at a shocked Rey. He knew at that point his face matched hers. Her voice had come out barely above a whisper as she brought her hand to her mouth.

“Ben is that.. is that you?”

“You can see me!?”

Rey started crying as she looked at him.

“Oh stars! Rey!”

“You..”

“Yes, yes its me! I’m here. Rey, say something!”

“You.. you are such an ass!”

Ben stood up straight and dropped his hands to the side.

“What?”

“I cried for you since you.. since you disappeared! I’ve begged and pleaded for you to come back to me and.. and you come back to yell at me!?”

“Oh fuck… you heard that?”

“Of course, I heard it! You’re standing right in front of me!!”

Ben ran his hand down his face and huffed.

“Of course, this is when you would see me. That makes total sense. I’ve been with you the entire time, but NOW is when you can hear me.”

“Are you going to explain yourself!? I thought we were past all this angst and yelling.”

“And I thought we were past you choosing my family over me.”

“What are you even talking about!?”

“SKYWALKER!? Of all the names in the GALAXY to choose, you choose _his_ name!?”

“It’s your name too! My own grandfather tried to kill off your entire bloodline, Ben. The least I can do is keep it alive. I will not keep Palpatine alive. I can’t let that.. _man_ survive. I killed him and you.. you brought me back to life.”

“Yeah I brought you back and you use _that_ name. Wonderful.”

“Oh, stop with the hero complex!”

“Hero com- Of all the time you have known me have I EVER come across as the hero type?”

“You raced across the galaxy to save the day!”

“I RACED ACROSS THE GALAXY TO SAVE YOU!”

His voice boomed and Rey jumped slightly.

“What?"

Rey looked at him and furrowed her brows. She seemed confused, which only further pissed Ben off.

“Damn the galaxy! Damn every life floating around! I don’t care about them; I care about YOU!”

“Oh, stop being so obtuse. You couldn’t have known that you would die when you saved me.”

“I knew exactly what I was doing, Rey. Nothing else has ever mattered to me like you do.”

“Controlling the galaxy, that ring a bell? You only wanted me when you thought I could help you rule the galaxy.”

“I wanted to rule the galaxy FOR you! I never wanted that! I never wanted any of it! I wanted to rule the galaxy to make it BETTER. I wanted to make sure that you never had to scavenge and fight to live again. You could have had all of it, but you ran away!”

“I did not run away!”

Ben rolled his eyes and Rey stomped her foot. He looked at her and narrowed his eyes.

“Did you just literally stomp your foot?”

“I’ve seen you stomp your foot too, Ben Solo.”

“That.. that was different.”

“Different? Was destroying the ship in a fit of rage different too? Or are we just living up to different standards here.”

“You’re a Jedi, Rey. You’re supposed to be perfect remember?”

Rey rolled her eyes and tossed her arms up in the air before turning from him. It didn’t last long before she whipped back around to yell at him.

“Why are you even here!?”

“For you! I’m here for you! I’ve been watching you and listening to you since I brought you back. I have been trying SO HARD to come back for you and-“

“You’ve been watching me?”

Ben looked at her and she seemed so small. Of course, she was always small, especially compared to him, but her personality made her seem so much bigger. It looked like she had deflated.

“Yes. I watched.. I watched you cry for me on Exogul. I watched you tell Finn about everything and I was with you when you cried on my father’s piece of shit ship.”

“I.. I couldn’t feel you. I thought.. I thought you were gone.”

“No one is ever really gone. I’m sure my pig-headed uncle told you that.”

She nodded and crossed her arms across her chest.

“Rey, I can feel how tired I’m starting to get. Apparently, the only way I can do this is to be angry.”

“Of course, it is.”

Rey smirked up at him through her tear tinged lashes. He smiled at her, but it only made him weaker.

“I’ll come back to you, okay?”

“Please don’t go.”

She let out a small sob and that sound made Ben want to turn the galaxy upside down just to make her happy. He stepped forward and put his hand gently on her face. It was an odd sensation. It was like he could feel her and not feel her all at once.

“I’m always here, Rey. Even if you can’t see me, I don’t leave your side. I told you a long time ago that you would never be alone, and I mean that. Just don’t give up on me.”

He started to fade, and she cried harder, but she nodded.

“I don’t think I could ever give up on you, Ben Solo.

* * *

Rey sat alone in the Falcon trying to process everything she had just been through. She had come to the sand planet to pay homage to Luke and Leia. It had been peaceful and honestly a great experience. She had never expected Ben to show up in front of her.

She sat on the floor and cleaned of BB-8 absentmindedly. He was beeping happily at the attention and it gave her a small smile. When she was done, she held onto her saber and felt so much hope. She wanted to push it down, but it was even harder knowing that he was still out there.

“I don’t know if you’re listening right now. I’m not sure how all this works. I just..

She wrapped her arms around her legs and rest her chin on her knees.

“This honestly might be easier. We always end up so mad when we talk. We bring out so much passion in each other it’s hard to get out what I really mean.”

BB-8 asked her who she was talking to, so she just reached out and touched him gently. He seemed content enough when he rolled close to her, so he was touching her thigh.

“You asked me not to give up on you. Ben, I have _never_ given up on you. I could always see the light and the hope in you. Even when no one else could. I knew that you were in there. You said you wanted to give me the galaxy. I didn’t want that. I just wanted you. You were always more than enough for me.”

Rey couldn’t see Ben, but he was on his knees in front of her hanging on to every word. He knew his words would fall mute but he was in the same situation; Rey had no idea if he could hear her.

“When you showed up on Exogul and I felt you.. that was the first time I realized I wouldn’t be alone. Then suddenly I was. You know, I miss Leia. I miss Luke. I miss the parents I found out were stolen from me. But none of that compares to the pain I feel with you gone. I’ve never felt more complete than I was in your arms.”

“ _The feeling is mutual, sunshine.”_

“I think knowing that you’re around gives me hope. Figures that you would need anger to manifest but I’ll take whatever I can get. I just want all of you; the good and the bad.”

_“You already have all of me.”_

“I convinced myself that you did what you did to save the galaxy. It’s hard for me to admit that you could possibly want me. No one has ever just wanted me. They wanted my power or what I can do for their cause.”

_“If that pilot and stormtrooper ever hurt you I’ll find a way to manifest and destroy everything they own.”_

“Don’t get me wrong, Poe and Finn never really make me feel that way. But I don’t think I would have been as valuable to them if I didn’t have the force. You’re the only person that I have ever had in my life that wanted me for me. I guess it’s just easier to pretend like that isn’t true too. Then it hurts less now that you’re..”

_“I’m not gone. I’m still here. Stars, Rey, I’m right here.”_

“Why did you have to do that! Why did you have to leave me? Wasn’t there a way that you could have stayed? Maybe just give me part of the healing? I can’t do all of this without you.”

_“Oh, my beautiful star, I would have stayed if I could. I would have fought the Resistance all over again by myself just to be there with you.”_

“I don’t know where to go from here. What is my purpose? I thought.. I thought my purpose would always be with you. I thought that if I reached my hand out that yours would always be there to take it. Ben, I.. I need you.”

She reached her shaky hand out into seemingly nothing almost like she had in the pit where the darkness called to her.

_“And I will always be there. I will always be here.”_

Ben reached his hand out and lined it up with hers even though she couldn’t feel it.

“Hope is like the sun. If you can only believe in it when you can see it, you’ll never make it through the night. Your mom said that.”

_“She said it to me too, when I was a child. It’s what got me through the nightmares.”_

“This is the night, then. We’re going to make it through this, Ben. We’re going to find each other and.. I’m going to get you back. I know that you’ll say there is no way to get you back but we’re a Dyad. There has to be something about that, right? We can’t be the first.”

Rey got up on her knees, unintentionally mirroring Ben.

“I’m going to get you back. No matter what. The next time you offer your hand, I _will_ take it. I will not give up on you, Ben Solo. I will fight for you.”

Ben sucked in air quickly. So many times, he had offered his hand. So many times, he had told her it would happen. So many times, he had dreamed of it happening.

**_“Please don’t give up on me.”_ **

Ben wasn’t sure of it, but it seemed like Rey heard his last plea before she hopped up and ran into the cock pit. Her shine had returned, and Ben felt all the hope and strength he felt when they fought together. If she wasn’t giving up, neither was he. He would fight and work until he could be with her all the time. Neither of them were going to be alone.


	5. Waste My Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hold onto me  
> Like we're the only ones that see  
> The sky above us falling down  
> And breathe in my ear  
> Like we're the only ones that hear  
> The mountains crashing down
> 
> I had wasted most of my life  
> Playing games that I knew I'd lose  
> Let me sing to you, just sit here don't move  
> I just wanna waste some time with you
> 
> So take my hand  
> I don't understand  
> How they kept us apart for so long  
> And smile so I can see  
> That it's really you in front of me  
> 'Cause that's still just so hard to believe
> 
> I have wasted most of my life  
> Playing games that I knew I'd lose  
> Let me sing to you  
> Just sit here don't move  
> I just wanna waste some time with you
> 
> Forcing back the tears  
> Over all the years  
> Boarding up the door  
> And throwing my hope to the floor  
> I could not forget  
> Now it all makes sense  
> That you're here with me  
> And I never never want to leave
> 
> I would've wasted most of my life  
> Never even knowing you  
> Now you sing to me and I still don't believe  
> That you wanna waste some time with me
> 
> Let me sing to you, just sit here don't move  
> I just wanna waste some time with you  
> And now you sing to me and I still don't believe  
> That you wanna waste your time with me

Ben snapped out of his trance of staring at Rey because he could feel something off in his own realm. He always found it astounding that time moved so much more slowly to the point he barely missed anything that Rey did even if he was focusing on something else. He let Reys world slip away from him and saw that Anakin and Luke were arguing. It was odd to see how young looking Anakin was, especially next to his son.

“That kind of darkness doesn’t belong here!”

“You’re still seeing things in absolutes. He may struggle with the light, but it is in there. He wouldn’t be here if not.”

“He doesn’t belong here.”

Ben felt unbridled rage as he listened to his uncle. It was already difficult to be around him let alone hearing him not want him around. Again.

“And why would you belong here if I don’t? It’s your fault that I even turned to the dark.”

Luke turned to him and practically snarled.

“I saw the darkness in you! I saw what you were capable of!”

“You tried to kill a defenseless boy! Your own NEPHEW at that!”

“And if I hadn’t been a coward none of this would have happened!”

“You speak of fear being so damaging and yet here you stand. Your entire existence was ruled by fear. It was your downfall.”

“You have no place to speak of fear and downfalls, Kylo Ren.”

“THAT IS NOT MY NAME!”

Bens voice roared into the nothing around them. He clenched his hands into fists and wanted to scream.

“Nothing to say when you know you can’t just strike down your family members?”

“I just took a move out of your play book, Luke.”

“That’s enough!”

Anakin stood between the two but stayed calm. It was aggravating to see him so damn calm when Ben wanted nothing more than to burn a planet to ashes just to feel better.

“You’re unbalanced, _Supreme Leader Ren_.”

“What ever happened to you hiding away and not speaking to anyone?”

“What happened to you ruling the galaxy like a tyrant?”

“Rey. Rey is what happened.”

“And what happens when Rey realizes who you are? Who you _really_ are? She will see the same darkness. Sure, you can make her smile and fight alongside her, but can you actually care about her? She isn’t an object and she sure as hell isn’t going to take your temper tantrums well. You’re still the same petulant boy no matter how much older you have gotten. You don’t deserve Rey. One good deed doesn’t erase all the bad you’ve done.”

Bens heart sank. Luke was right. He was never going to atone for his sins. He was never going to truly be good enough for Rey. Every insecurity he had been harboring in life slammed back into him with the force of the Falcon in lightspeed. He looked at the ground and wrapped his arms around himself. What point was there in even trying when he would just disappoint her.

“Luke. How dare you even talk about disappointment. You once fought with everything you had to bring me back from the dark. How can you not see how desperately Ben wants to fix this? You say his actions are unforgivable, but he is right. You pushed him to the darkness. He was being manipulated and instead of seeing that you acted in fear.”

Anakin turned to Ben and placed his hands on his shoulders.

“There is no one beyond redeeming. Don’t let those voices ruin you, Ben. I know the kind of love you feel for Rey. I know how terrifying it is and I know that fear that is swirling through you. _Don’t let it win._ Go to her and help her. There is much more to this than any of us can even comprehend.”

* * *

Ben wasn’t as eager to make Rey see or hear him. He wanted to believe his grandfather, but it was hard. No matter what Anakin could possibly say to him, Lukes words always tore him down. He would never admit it, but he always wanted his uncles approval.

He sat by the wall watching Rey with sadness in his chest. She was so beautiful and pure. He was ruined and in pain. He felt selfish for finding peace around her when it was something he felt like he could never possibly return.

Rey’s face was set in determination as she punched in navigation. She wasn’t sure exactly where she wanted to go, but she was determined. She wanted to see Ben again and would do anything possible to work towards that goal. She smiled when she saw Finn opening up a line of communication.

“Hey, Finn!”

“Hey, Peanut! How are you doing?”

Ben perked up at the nickname. He narrowed his eyes at Rey and felt his anger start to swirl. He almost started cursing about it, but he was afraid that she would hear him. He had already made an ass of himself by freaking out the first time she saw him.

“I’m good! How is everyone doing? Is the government set up going well?”

“Its.. going. It’s difficult to be honest. It’s going to take a lot of talking and understanding for this to work.”

Rey sighed and nodded even though Finn couldn’t see her.

“I figured it would be. How many of the First Order is left over?”

“There are still a lot. We were able to get most of them to surrender instead of blowing them up. Pretty much the ships that were loyal to Hux as opposed to Pryde. We’re lucky that we figured out that divide.”

_“Hux? How could that possibly matter.”_

Rey hummed and messed with some more of the navigation. Ben still wasn’t visible to Rey, but he sat next to her in the co-pilot seat.

“Very. I know that Ben and Hux never got along but most of the troops were loyal to him. Pryde was just too evil.”

_“I didn’t even notice the loyalty to him.”_

“How is he holding up though?”

“His wound was rough. He’s lucky that a few of the officers that helped him were trained medically.”

_“HE’S ALIVE!?”_

“He’s going to make it though?”

“Yeah. He seems to be great. He’s still a pompous ass but he seems to finally get the flaws in leadership like that.”

“That’s great. I’m sure it’s hard for you to be around him though.”

“It is, Peanut. It makes it much easier on everyone else though. We all need to come together and if that means I need to deal with the homicidal red head, then I will.”

Rey smiled and it almost made Ben forget how rocked he was by what he was hearing.

“I’m proud of you, Finn.”

“Thanks Rey. Do you need anything?”

“You still have my books right?”

“The Jedi ones? Yeah. You need them?”

“I’m not sure but probably. The ones with the basic teaching you can keep so you can learn. Just make sure you reach out to me if you have questions.”

“Yeah, of course.”

_“You have got to be kidding me. The Trooper is force sensitive?”_

“Good. Look, Finn, I need to tell you something.”

“I’m here.”

Ben was thrown off by the sincerity in his voice. He did deeply care about Rey. He wondered if he would be better for her. He seemed to be more emotionally available even after being brainwashed by the trooper program.

“You can’t tell anyone.”

“I won’t.”

“Not even Poe.”

Ben involuntarily snarled at the name.

“I.. it’s hard to hide stuff from him but okay.”

“I think I can get Ben back.”

“Woah, really?!”

“Yeah. I saw him. I talked to him. It was.. rough. But I think I can get him back.”

“That’s why you need the books.”

“Yeah.”

“Say no more. If you need anything you let me know. I’ll see you soon, okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Fly safe, Peanut.”

“I will.”

The connection cut and Ben watched her smile again. He wanted to reach out to her and ask her a million questions but instead he just chose to watch her. He felt like he was never going to be enough for her. She was so bright and so beautiful. He was just.. broken.

* * *

Rey yawned and stretched. She was used to having a co-pilot with her. She thought of all the people that had been with her in the seat next to her. She then thought of the one person she so desperately wanted to be next to her. She let out a sad sigh and got up to head to the quarters.

She sat down on her bed and slipped her boots off. She had been so used to sleeping in her clothes that getting undressed before sleeping was heavenly. Not that she could go completely without clothes in case something happened.

“Uh, Ben? I’m not sure if you’re here. I kind of feel like I’m never alone anymore in a very odd way.”

She waited for a few moments before sighing and laying back in the bed. She knew it was taxing on him to really connect but she was hoping he would be there. She pulled the blanket up on her and curled up on her side. She shut her eyes and sighed again, hoping she can fall asleep.

“You aren’t alone.”

Her eyes shot open and she saw him sitting on the ground, leaning against the wall. She smiled fully at him and his matched hers.

“Ben!”

“I’d say in the flesh but that isn’t true.”

Rey let out a small giggle and Ben sighed in contentment.

“How long have you been there?”

“I’m always around. I just can’t always connect to you.”

“So, I’m not alone then.”

“That is what I said.”

He smiled at her and moved so he was sitting directly in front of the bed.

“Were you around then Finn called?”

He nodded and just looked at her. She felt her cheeks flush at how intently he stared at her, like he was trying to memorize everything about her.

“You think the books have anything in them that can help?”

“I’m not sure but it’s a start.”

“The Sith books are more likely to have something. The Jedi scrubbed information they didn’t like. The Sith coveted it.”

“Where would I even find Sith writings?”

“You probably won’t. Maybe some holocrons. Hux will know all the stash points that Snoke had.”

“Oh, I forgot to even tell you!”

He shook his head and smiled at her.

“No need. I suppose Snoke twisted him just as much as he did to me. And he’s helping bring peace to the galaxy.”

Rey tried to stifle a yawn, but it came out anyway.

“You should get some sleep while you can.”

“I’d rather stay up with you. Though I’m sure you have a lot to do that doesn’t involve wasting your time with me.”

“Any time spent with you is never wasted, cyar’ika.”

“What?”

He smiled again and leaned closer to her.

“It’s Mando for beloved. It’s used like darling or sweetheart.”

Her face flushed a deep red and she tried to stealthily pull her blanket up more. She couldn’t help but break into a full grin.

“How in the stars do you know Mando?”

“I like languages. They come in handy, but I also like reading.”

“You are a very complex man, Ben Solo.”

Ben smiled at her again and tentatively brought his hand up, gently running his fingers through her hair. She hummed at the contact and shut her eyes.

“I wasn’t sure if I was strong enough to touch you.”

“It feels different. Like you’re too far away.”

“I guess I am.”

“I’ll get you back, Ben.”

“I know you will. We will do it together. Then I can waste all the time in the galaxy with you.”

She smiled at him and reached out, taking his free hand.

“I still can’t believe that you would even want to waste time with me.”

“I spent most of my life fighting for something that just didn’t matter. I could have been fighting for you. I should have been.”

“You’re here now though.”

“And I’ll do everything I can to never leave you again.”

Rey yawned again and Ben sighed.

“You’re tired.”

“I’m too tired to fight with you about it.”

Ben let out a light laugh and moved even closer.

“Go to sleep, cyar’ika.”

“Will you stay while I fall asleep?”

“I will stay for as long as you want me, Rey.”

“Be prepared to be around forever then.”

“Mhi Solus tome, mhi solus dar’tome.”

“It sounds beautiful, but you could be telling you that you hate me for all I know.”

“We are one when together, we are one when parted.”

“Such a poet, Ben Solo.”

Ben leaned forward and kissed her forehead, closing his eyes at the contact. She was right. It was like he was one with her but too far away all at once. He let himself remember when she kissed him and wished that he could have held on just a while longer. When he finally pulled away, he saw that the beautiful woman in front of him had fallen asleep.

“I let the galaxy keep us apart for too long, Rey. I wasted most of my life playing games that I knew I would lose. I won’t let it happen anymore. I never want you to be alone. I will prove Luke wrong. I’ll prove to you that I am worth your time. I want to be everything for you, my cyar’ika.”

Ben reached over and grabbed the ink and paper out of the box Rey had found previously. He leaned against the bed, keeping contact with her while he wrote. It had been such a long time since he had physically written but it felt relaxing. It didn’t seem to take as much effort as it did to talk or interact with Rey.

He wanted to write a poem for her. He wasn’t sure if she would like it, but if he couldn’t connect with her all the time, he could at least leave her poems. He made a mental note to grab flowers for her when they landed on a planet. He internally groaned at how mushy he was being but Rey was worth it.

He would be anything for her.

He stayed with her for hours, just watching her sleep. He noticed how she would have nightmares often. He wanted to reach into her dreams and sooth them, but that was far beyond what he was capable of doing. Instead he just ran his fingers through her hair and kissed her forehead which seemed to calm her down.

When Rey woke up, Ben was gone. She was sad that he wasn’t there, but it was the best sleep she had gotten in a long time. When she sat up, she saw that there was a piece of paper with her name written beautifully on it. She unfolded it and saw that there was a poem written in basic on it.

_Cyar’ika,_

_Your dazzling light,_

_Always bright_

_A counterbalance to my night._

_The evil comes all too easily._

_You’re everything good in the galaxy._

_Your stars shine in my darkness._

_They remind me that I am not alone._

_-B_

Rey smiled and held the paper to her chest. If someone had told her that Ben Solo would be writing her poems and leaving them for her when she woke, she would have laughed. It seemed so absurd, but it made her so happy to know that she wasn’t alone.

“Thank you. I’m going to get you back then you can write poems for me until we’re old and grey. You can teach me Mando and I can teach you how to make things out of nothing. You say that I’m the light in your darkness, but I think you’re the brightest light to ever shine, Ben Solo.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ben's Poem is written by @LadyVader76. Check out her Ben poetry on IG @poetry_by_ben_solo.


	6. A Man Who Was Gonna Die Young

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like fast cars and shop dreams,  
> Chased a lot of crazy things,  
> Left behind my share of broken pieces  
> This morning I turned 36  
> And you just remember half of it  
> You wonder how you out-lived Hank or Jesus
> 
> I put the rage in a river, roll in a thunder  
> But you kept me from going under  
> When that current got too heavy
> 
> I always thought I'd be a heap of metal  
> And a cloud of smoke, foot stuck to the pedal  
> Sold for parts like a junkyard rusted-out Chevy
> 
> Fear I've had none,  
> What the hell made you wanna love  
> A man who was gonna die young?
> 
> In the mirror I saw my surprise,  
> Who knew gray hairs like to hide on a head,  
> Didn't think he'd live past thirty  
> If I make it thirty more,  
> It's the brown that you'll be looking for  
> As you run your fingers through,  
> Say slow down honey
> 
> I put the rage in a river, roll in a thunder  
> But you kept me from going under  
> When that current got too heavy
> 
> I always thought I'd be a heap of metal  
> And a cloud of smoke, foot stuck to the pedal  
> Sold for parts like a junkyard rusted-out Chevy
> 
> Fear I've had none,  
> What the hell made you wanna love  
> A man who was gonna die young?
> 
> Call it intuition, or call it crazy  
> Just thought by now I'd be pushing up daisies  
> But I'd gladly stick around if we're together  
> So baby when you bow your head tonight,  
> Could you tell the Lord I've changed my mind  
> And with you I'd like to live forever  
> -Eric Church

Ben avoided his uncle as much as possible. He knew that the things he had done would haunt him forever, but he just wanted a chance. He had heard the tales and stories of how his love for his father brought down the mighty Vader. Why couldn’t he just love him? He was just a child, but his darkness scared him so badly he wanted him dead.

Ben found that moving objects was easier than physically manifesting. It came in handy when Rey had to stop to repair the ship. He knew everything about it from the inside out and Rey was damn handy at fixing anything she needed to. He loved watching her work and needed to show her parts or tools much less often than he thought he would need to.

He found that his favorite thing was to just watch her. It didn’t require him to say the right thing. He was always afraid of hurting her or being an ass. His social skills weren’t exactly strong. Hiding behind a mask didn’t help either.

Rey had fallen asleep listening to Ben tell her stories and speaking in Mando’a. It wasn’t his strong suit exactly but anything to put a smile on her face was worth it to him. He kept expecting that someday it wouldn’t hit him as hard. Someday, maybe, he would get used to the way her face lit up when he appeared in front of her. He laughed at himself for thinking that. Nothing about that woman was ever going to be ordinary or regular. He couldn’t see himself ever getting bored or used to anything about her.

He walked through the field the ship was landed on and looked at the flowers. He had noticed that Rey loved plants. It probably had to do with her growing up in sand. He never was one to stop to look at plant life, but everything she looked at had an entirely new meaning to him. It was like he could see it through her eyes. He chuckled to himself and bent down to look at a particularly blue flower.

“I guess I can see it through her eyes.”

He turned his head to the side when he heard whimpering. He stood up and took a few steps forward, trying to figure out what it was. He wasn’t manifesting fully on that plane of existence, but he could have sworn as he got closer the whimpering starting to calm.

Hidden behind a small bush was the smallest puff of fur he had seen in a long time. He looked around to see what could possibly be missing such a small life, but he couldn’t sense anything. He squat down to look at it and gasped when it turned its eyes and looked directly at him.

“You.. you can see me, can’t you?”

The puff ball walked towards him and sat, tilting its head to the side.

“Are you a.. there’s no way. You look like the tiniest Loth wolf I’ve ever seen. Or heard of, I guess. I haven’t seen an abundance of wolves in my life.”

The small wolf tilt its head the other way as it looked up at him.

“How did you get here? Where is your mother.”

The pup whimpered and laid back down. Ben sighed and reached out, tentatively scratching the top of its head. It popped back up, slightly scaring him, before moving closer. He couldn’t help but crack a smile.

“The stories say that your kind is force sensitive. There are even stories that they can speak basic occasionally. Is that how you understand me?”

The wolf blinked and stared directly into his eyes. Ben got the feeling that the pup was alone and even if he walked away right now, there was no way he could forget it. He reached forward and scooped it up into his arms. The pup licked his face, making Ben grimace a bit but he couldn’t help but laugh.

“You know, I was going to get Rey some flowers. That’s part of why I walked out here. I wonder what she will think of you.”

He walked back to the ship and sat at the bottom of the ramp, setting the wolf down next to him.

“I think this may be.. this is weird. I don’t suppose most people talk to animals. It’s been years since I’ve even been around one. Unless you count Hux.”

He looked down at the wolf and smiled.

“Don’t worry, you’re already much better company than the ginger was. Normally this far into a conversation I want to blow up a world just to make it stop. Except with Rey. Can you sense her?”

The wolf looked into the ship and sniffed into the air. It looked back at Ben and tilted its head.

“She’s force sensitive too. I’m technically inhabiting the world between worlds."

He could feel that the little wolf was confused. It very likely couldn't differentiate the difference yet.

"I died protecting her. I would do it again, too. The galaxy is brighter with her in it and I couldn't imaging living in it without her. Between me and you, I would have given her the galaxy. That's not what she wanted though. I think.. I think she just wanted a life.”

The wolf laid down next to him and curled up against his leg. He rest his hand on it and let himself feeling the force flow within it. Well, her. He could feel that about her now. He wondered if she was beginning to trust him more and that was why he was sensing more.

"If I can make my way back to her, I'll do everything I can for her. I'll give her a mansion or whatever kind of home she wants. Hell I'll travel the galaxy with her never actually settling down. All the children she could wish for. Or maybe she would just want to grow old with me. I hope she would want to grow old with me. I could write her poetry for her to wake up to every morning. Stars I sound like a sap. I'm glad you won't repeat this to anyone else, but I wish she hadn't fallen in love with someone who was destined to die young."

She fell asleep listening to him and Ben meditated next to her. He started to see her dreams. They were scrambled and chaotic. She was being chased with her pack. Something was hunting them. Then she was alone. He frown when he realized that her pack had very likely been wiped out. If it wasn’t, it was long gone.

She was alone.

He pet the small bundle next to him and thought about how much that resonated with him. He always felt alone. Maybe if someone had picked him up and listened to him it would have been different. Then again, he knew he was destined to find Rey.

Maybe he was destined to find the little wolf next to him just like he was meant to find Rey.

* * *

Rey stretched and yawned. She hadn’t meant to fall asleep, but she found it was relaxing just listening to Ben talk. She looked around and didn’t see him immediately, but she could sense him. She sat up straight when she felt something else too. Whatever it was, it was powerful, but new.

She grabbed her saber staff and walked out carefully. She peeked around the corners to see what was in her area, but she couldn’t find anything. When she walked into the main area, she noticed that the ramp was down, and she could actually see Ben sitting there.

She looked at his raven hair and smiled. Normally he wasn’t manifesting in her world unless he wanted to talk to her. After a moment she realized he had his hand on a small puff of fur. She took another step forward and Ben turned to look at her. Her chest tightened when he smiled fully.

“You’re awake.”

“You’re here.”

He nodded and looked down at the fur next to him.

“Go ahead. She won’t hurt you.”

Rey took a few more steps forward and a small face popped up from the fur. The most beautiful yellow eyes met her, and she let out a giggle before she could even help it.

“What is this!?”

What looked like a small wolf popped up to its feet and looked up at Ben.

“Yeah, that’s her. The one I told you about.”

“Told her about?”

“Ah, so you can sense her too. I was hoping that you would.”

Rey dropped to her knees and instantly started petting the wolf and giggling as it kissed her face. Bens face lit up hearing her laugh and seeing her smile so fully. He knew he needed to explain more to her but there was nothing in the galaxy more mesmerizing than the woman in front of him.

“What is this? Where did you find her?”

“She’s a Loth wolf. I don’t know how she got here, and she is tiny.”

“A Loth wolf?”

“Yes. They’re force sensitive wolves. That’s why you can sense her and why it’s so easy for me to manifest right now. She can walk in both worlds and is a beacon of the force."

“She’s so beautiful.”

“Yes.”

Rey looked up at him and felt her cheeks go red. She had been talking about the wolf, but it was very apparent Ben was referring to her. She went back to petting the wolf and giggled.

“She’s so cute. Does she have a family?”

He shook his head no and the wolf sat in front of her and looked her in the eyes. Rey recognized the feeling of loneliness and fear. She sat down on the floor and opened her arms. The wolf ran into her arms and knocked her backwards. Rey laughed so hard that she had tears streaming down her face. She rolled to her side and scratched the little wolf behind its ears.

“You’re safe now, little one.”

She looked back at Ben and he smiled down at her. He had wanted to give her some flowers, but he supposed a loyal force connected wolf would have to do.


End file.
